I fought so hard to hang on to what I had when what I had was shit. In the beginning, it was a lot of breaking promises to people, not showing up on time, etc. In the middle of it, even when I knew I was in trouble, I fought back so hard against people who would suggest that I needed help. What was I afraid of? Life kept getting worse and the amount of pain and suffering I was causing other people and myself began to grow exponentially. And yet I clung to what I had so desperately. Some really amazing people with great intentions did everything in their power to encourage me to find a different path, a better path, one that would serve me. I didn't have better plans. In fact, I really didn't have any plans at all. I just wasn't going to change. I fought and guarded my position as if I were protecting some sort of noble cause. I ended friendships and great relationships holding on desperately to my position. And that's the craziest part about it because, as I said my position was shit, it was garbage. My life had become a wilderness of pain and I'd damn near kill you if you tried stopping me or suggesting I change! Fear of the unknown. But wasn't it the known that I should have feared?! My life sucked and I knew it and I was in all kinds of pain, but I feared the unknown rather than the known.
My life today is so beautiful and I am so happy. All because I eventually got in so much pain that I surrendered and changed. I am now living in the unknown that I feared so much and it is wonderful!